My Soliloquy

Sunday, August 13, 2006

3:47PM - It's a Sunny Day Here in Mississauga

Too bad i cant say the same for my insides. i feel like im rotting humus in here and i can't say why. everything about me seems to be falling apart again and insult after insult i think i am finally ready to give up on me. i wish i could play mario kart like when i was a kid and just be content with that instead of wanting to answer every question my mind has ever conjured about me or anything else around it. so apparently the rich and beautiful never had an identity crisis or an awkward stage in life or so my mother displays. i wish i had an alloby for being a loser. i was flipping through my one and only AP mag and honestly every band looks the same. they have some really catchy name, long hair, piercings and sad looks. they wear scruffy clothes and look as if the world is ending. despite my tragically sad state deep inside i dont think the world is this bad i mean cmon just cause the world is superficial and in deeper trouble than any of us can imagine, it's still liveable. you make life what it is and a bunch of these kids seem to hate it with more passion than any senior out there that has lived at least 3 times longer than them. nobody understands me in my family and it is likely that i will NEVER confide sincerely in any of them, but they've got their positives and so do i. even if i am a mass loser, fatty, nerd and queer i hope ill never come to the suicidal point. ive thought of it casually a couple of times, but those are during the bleak time of the month for all the ladies, so it's understandable. anyways that's about it really. i am the most invincible person alive at the moment. people only talk to me if they need to impress me with their shallow accomplishments which i could care less about. i guess that's how amazing of a person i seem to the naked eye, that every person who comes across me feels the need to prove themselves and tell me eveything good happening to their life, i'm doing fine by the way, but lard knows they dotn really care, as long as they've proven that they measure up or are at least ten times better. well a toast to all of you for polishing your egos on the wrong character and thinking it's all so material to me, b/c as far as im concerned you all look like fools. you think im some bigwig superstar with everything in it for me, and maybe i am but for the most part im just the one who got stuck with all the odd pieces of the puzzle. still jeealous? i thought so.

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Thursday, July 6, 2006

12:16AM - Where are you Ashton?

When life is going Francais, you must question why and savour each moment, because within the same year, month, week, day, hour, minute or even split second can things suddenly change. It's not the change that will fade away or even tint in a while, it's a permanent change and perhaps even a chapter that has been forced to turn a page too early. Sometimes I wonder if I had wasted my last moments with you or taken our safe situation for granted. Now that it is over I am half relieved, half depressed. The worst part is that I don't want this baby to be born, because he/she will be the turning point of our life and the pinnacle of this new journey. It's not his/her fault, it's not mine in fact it is yours and yours alone. I wish I had a photograph to capture all of this mess, so that I can store it away in a cupboard that I would never open again. Instead we are an ongoing sooap opera that will continue to run until we die or at least until there is no audience left. But here is the deal. I am backing out. You have opened my eyes. If you want to talk to me, I'll be in the nearest book or some concert. I think I'm going to withdraw from our stage and come back later when I have something to show for and nobody can snicker. I feel like a loser, I can only imagine how you feel, but I cannot even begin to wonder how your baby feels being caught in the middle of all of this. It's funny because it never asked to be born and you want to get rid of it, but i'm sure it would rather live and make up for your mishaps than become your second regret. I feel like I've entered a new world tonight, it feels surreal, like the cameras and lights are supposed to pop out of a corner and pay me for shedding my tears in front of America. Please tell me I'm being punked.

Current mood:

pensive

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Wednesday, July 5, 2006

8:30PM - I Want Someone Provocative and Talkative

But It's So Hard When You're Shallow As A Shower

It's funny one moment you live in a petri dish free for everyone to look at and dissect in a microscope. They're using their scalpels and needles to tear you apart and rebuild you at the same time. Some of them are there to make you better, but most are there to batter. Then in a split second, twist and turn the lights go out and you are suddenly invisible again. You can say anything, do anything, be anything and nobody will notice. Heaven for a G? I don't think so. It's ironic because when you want to be cared for you are invisible, when you want to disappear you are in the spotlight. The most twisted part is that when the light is on you it's not positive, in fact it's almost as if your whole life is some sick joke or riddle that someone made up for laughs. I wish I could hold the strings, because I'm sick of being the puppet. My moods are in perpetual fluctuation and my pot of luck is low on dime. It's so easy to feel lost in a perfectly routed map, and so hard to feel fine in a flying trapeze. In fact, it's a lose-lose situation.

Where is my optimism? Well my dear, it smashed into the brick wall along with every other word you uttered out to them.

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